Can't Think Cleverly

I couldn't come up with a good subject, since I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to put here.

I've had a stanza of something going through my head for over a week. I have no idea what the rest of the poem/song will be, but I can't get this out of my head.

"I want to walk along
I want to walk free
But how can I when
These demons keep chasing me?"

I realize I'm losing my stalker-like ways. There's this guy I sort of like at church. He always makes me laugh, even if it's during service. (Okay, I don't laugh OUT LOUD during service, unless it's something I'm not prepared for.) I found out on Wed night what trailer park place (we have several... I joked that we live in a white trash city) he lived in. It was WAY out of my way, and I hadn't slept in over a day, but I still went out to find where exactly he lived. Now, that may not sound much like I'm getting better about my ways, but... on the way there, I actually realized that it was what I was doing. Most often, I don't realize till after I've done it.

Anyway, I didn't find it, but it was almost like midnight, so really dark. Anyway, I saw him (unexpectedly) again Thursday night. When he left, he said he was taking dinner home to Joey, his friend that lives next door to him. (Joey was at church on Wed, too. We all three sat together.) So when I left about 10 minutes later, I went to the park again, to look for him. I had a better look at his vehicle, so I thought I could find it. I still didn't, even though it was light still. On the way there, I thought to myself, if I don't find it this time, I'll be content with just seeing him at church, and stop trying to find out where he lives exactly. Well, I didn't find it, again, so I guess I'm done with it.

Also, for the first time in probably a decade, I haven't felt that I'm ready to get marrried, or want kids almost desperately. People have been telling me for years "You have plenty of time, enjoy being single." "You're too young to be thinking about that" (which, for 5 of the last 10 years, I really was too young) but it never really settled with me until last week, when my cousins told me. It was me, my cousin Becky, my cousin Trish, and their daughters. They each have one daughter and one son. We were walking around Downtown Disney outside Disneyland. Becky got married at 21, after having Julie already, and I think she was pregnant with her son. Trish got married at 22, because she was pregnant with her daughter. That may have had something to do with me finally getting it, I'm not sure. They both said they wished they have waited.

One big reason I don't feel the need to want kids right now is that I'm finding out more about myself that I've been hiding for probably 10 - 15 years. I've known about generational curses for a long time, but never really gave much thought to my family, or me specifically, directly tied into them. I know there's a lot of gen. curses in my family, and most of them I struggle with. Why would I want to give them to my kids? I'm not even sure I'd want to put that on my husband, much less my kids. At least my husband would be an adult, and could deal with it.

Lots of changes... finally escaping my prison of me.

~ Deb ~